


why don't you know?

by plentify



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, M/M, POV Multiple, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 07:46:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13993743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plentify/pseuds/plentify
Summary: Chan tries his very best.(3racha takes care of each other.)





	why don't you know?

       Chan overworks himself.

       Jisung knows this. Changbin knows this. Both of them know that Chan knows this.

       That doesn’t stop Chan from staying in the studio until dawn working on tracks and scraping them because “they’re not good enough.” Jisung can probably count the hours of sleep Chan has gotten in the past three days on two hands. He and Changbin have had their fair share of all nighters, but Chan does it so frequently it’s rarely a surprise anymore.

       And that terrifies Jisung.

       All three share a two bedroom apartment near the college campus, finally moving out of the dorms when Changbin couldn’t concentrate because of his dorm mate. Parties were okay, but Changbin draws the line when he can’t write his lyrics in peace. Changbin cooks well enough for him and Jisung to survive, sometimes ordering pizza when they have the money. But it’s always the two of them, because Chan rarely comes home after his classes. And when he does, he goes straight to his bedroom and doesn’t come out until Changbin is threatening to kick down the door. Jisung thought it was just a bluff until he started to actually kick the wood and Chan had to open the door because they really could do without paying for a broken door.

       Between the three of them, it really feels like it’s just Changbin and Jisung. Chan just feels like a guest who happens to also pay the bills and the rent.

       Which is rather unsettling. Jisung feels like he should take some responsibility; after all they’re all friends. Close friends. But he also doesn’t want to intrude on Chan.

       So Jisung bites his lip and stays quiet when he hears Chan open the front door at 4 in the morning with the spare key no matter how badly he wants to just hug Chan and let him cry into his shoulder.

-  
       Chan is depressed.

       Changbin definitely doesn’t have the credentials to diagnose his roommate. But his psych professor does. And he’s the one who suggests that Changbin should take Chan to a doctor.

       Changbin doesn’t.

       Because he knows Chan has been dealing with it for so long he can play it off as stress. But stress only explains the crying in the bathroom and the lock door, not the days when Chan does nothing but sleep. Changbin knows going to a therapist won’t do Chan any good. Words are just words. Changbin knows it too well.

       He stays with Chan in the studio on a Friday night, ignoring Chan’s pleads for him to go home and get some sleep. He stays silent and doesn’t mention how Chan himself probably needed to do just that though. He sits there with his notebook and a pen while he tries to write. It’s always breaking the ice that’s the hardest. He doesn’t end up writing anything, instead opting to hear the track Chan is working on. It’s nice and smooth, something pleasant to rap over. Changbin tries to remember every beat, the particular bass pad Chan is using and the treble levels, but he’s never been good at producing music, only writing the lyrics. It’s a pleasant 30 seconds before Chan deletes all the work and almost crashes into the keyboard.

       Changbin leaps from his spot on the couch, forgetting about his notebook to check a now sleeping Chan. He looks around the small recording booth; it’s not an ideal place to stay for the night, and the professor might actually kick them out if they stay any longer. He had barely allowed Chan to stay in that one particular room, only because Chan never missed his class and always produced good music.

       Changbin phones Jisung to ask him to drive over to the college because Changbin is definitely not going to carry Chan all the way back to the apartment. Jisung answers right away and it’s seven minutes before he calls back and Changbin gathers Chan in his arms to load onto their car.

       “It’s getting worse.”

       Changbin assumes Jisung knows. It’s not too hard to see that Chan is self deprecating, stressed and in a constant state of insecurity. Changbin nods while stroking Chan’s curly hair. He tries not to think about the tears that fall out of Chan’s eyes.

-

       Jisung catches Chan crying in the bathroom one night.

       Changbin is over at Felix’s apartment for an English assignment. Jisung has never felt so lonely. The apartment feels even more cold, and Jisung can’t do anything without stopping and giving up halfway.

       He opens the bathroom door to see Chan in the bathtub, curled in a fetal position. He quickly rushes over.

       “Hyung, hyung, are you okay?”

       “Jisung?”

       Chan lifts his head and Jisung’s heart falls. Chan’s eyes are swollen and red, and his lips are dry and cracking. When did Chan get back home? How long had he been in there?

       “I thought you were going out with Changbin.”

       Jisung hates how Chan’s voice comes out like an apology, like this was something he wasn’t supposed to find out. Jisung climbs over the edge of the bathtub and straddles Chan’s hips. Chan shrinks back.

       “How long has this been going on?”

       Chan bites his lip. Jisung knows, Changbin knows, and Chan now knows that both of them know. He gasps for air but his lungs are tight and his nose is clogged from crying too hard.

       “I don’t know. It’s okay, it’s not-“

       “You’re crying in the bathtub. Professor told me you haven’t been going to theory classes recently. You barely come home anymore, and last night Changbin had to carry you home because you passed out in the studio. We’ve tried to respect your space Chan, but you can’t tell me that you’re okay anymore. This isn’t okay.”

       Chan knows Jisung is just worried. His gut sinks and he cries because he realizes he let his two best friends worry about him. His shoulders shake and he can’t breathe under his own sobbing. He was so selfish, so selfish for thinking it would be okay to deal with it on his own. But Changbin and Jisung were both too. They had their own problems and they got stressed too. But they were doing just fine. Why couldn’t he be fine too?

       “Chan, Chan it’s alright.”

       Chan keeps sobbing into Jisung’s sweatshirt. His head is getting light headed, and he can barely remember why he’s in the bathtub in the first place. He cries with handfuls of Jisung. And Jisung lets him cry.

       “I’m-I’m not okay Jisung.”

       Jisung smiles sadly and hugs him, “We know.”

-

        It doesn’t get any better.

       Changbin doesn’t expect it to be. But it doesn’t get worse.

       Changbin isn’t sure how to feel about it.

       It happens one day when Chan joins them for dinner, absentmindedly holding his math notes. He doesn’t notice how Jisung stares at him with big eyes until he realizes no one is eating and flushes a little.

       “If you didn’t make enough it’s okay.”

       Changbin snaps out of his own stupor, “No, no we always cook for three.”

       He swears he hears Chan hiccup and suddenly he’s crying. Changbin has to move his math notes because they’re really pretty and it would be a shame to smear the colorful ink and beautiful lettering. He catches Jisung scooping a hearty amount of rice into Chan’s bowl, and he follows by filling the rest with fish. Chan’s whole body shudders, and he starts laughing. It’s pretty, just like his notes, and it makes Jisung smile too. The dishes taste a little more flavorful, and the air is lighter.

       For the first time in four months, they finish all of the food.

-  
  
       Chan has good and bad days.

       Jisung is listening to Chan cry and sob. His words are fantastical and terrifying. They drown in his tears and hiccups, and Jisung can do nothing but hold Chan’s shoulders to ground him and keep him above the water.

_I don’t want to live an unhappy life. I’m so scared of living an unhappy life._

       Jisung doesn’t want to either.

_I can’t do music as just a hobby Jisung. It’s the only thing I’ve had, I’m just an average person without it._

       Jisung bites his tongue from protesting.

_I don’t want to be just an average person Jisung._

       You’re not,” Jisung whispers.

       They’re playing around each other, Jisung knows. It’s the fourth track Chan has deleted in the past two days. With no progress, Jisung feels the pressure. He knows Chan feels it too.

       “Why am I upset about this?”

       Jisung wants to scream. He wants to tell Chan that it was okay not to meet expectations sometimes, and that it was okay to be upset and take care of yourself. But he can’t say anything. He knows Chan will cry himself to sleep and wake up with no recollection of his previous thoughts save for a grey motivation that will cause him to lay on the couch for the rest of the day. Jisung knows he’ll wake up the next day and go to the studio again to work and curse at himself for being so lazy. It’s an endless cycle of Chan not taking himself seriously and expecting too much out of him.

       But Jisung can’t say anything. Everything that comes out of his mouth will be cliche, helpful but not helpful enough. He feels helpless and silenced, so he takes Chan’s arms and places them on his shoulders, curling his own around the other’s waist. Chan’s words die in his mouth when he sees Jisung snuggled against his stomach.

       “Am I talking too much?"

       Jisung hums, “No. I like listening. Tell me everything you want to talk about.”

      Chan doesn’t say much after that, instead resting his chin on Jisung’s head. They both somehow fall asleep, and Jisung wakes up with Chan smiling and Changbin in the kitchen making fried eggs.

-  
  
       Changbin is taking lecture notes when Jisung texts him.

>> hyung i kissed chan what do I do

       The phone almost falls from his hands.

> what? are you insane why would u do that

>> i know!!! im sorry!!

>fuck wheres chan?

>> sleeping he was crying again and well i might have had to shut him up

>jisung you fucking idiot

>> i know i know stop rubbing it in

       Changbin wants to facepalm because Jisung really is an idiot. But then again, they were trying to take care of Chan. He thinks if he was stuck in that situation he might have kissed Chan too. He shakes his head in disgust and tries to catch up on the notes he missed. His phone buzzes again.

>> how do i tell him i don’t like him like that but i like kissing him  
Read 1:32pm

>> hyungggggg

>> hyungggggggggggg

>> i know youre still there your read receipts are still on  
Read 1:37pm

>> goddamn it

-  
  
       It’s not a problem until it happens a second time.

       And then a third.

       Jisung only has himself to blame. He’s weak, and he doesn’t trust himself with dealing with Chan.

       Chan is happy. He spends less time cooped up in his bedroom and makes more and more music. And as long as Chan is happy, Jisung doesn’t really care about himself.

       It’s purely out of instinct now. He gives Chan a small kiss on the cheek before they go to bed. He grabs his hand when they’re walking back to the apartment after a recording session. It all becomes normal. Normal scares Jisung.

       Woojin asks if they’re dating, to which Chan quickly denies. Jisung wonders how Chan can say that with a straight face, especially with their hands lying on top of each other, thighs touching. It feels so natural, and Jisung looks down at his lap as the subject changes.

       He catches Changbin’s gaze, a dangerous, calculating gaze that told Jisung to stop before something bad happened. He feels himself sweating and instinctively latches onto Chan’s hand. He can’t meet Chan’s eyes when he turns to see if something is wrong.

       Changbin is still watching him. Felix is talking about something next to him, but all Jisung can think about is how deep things have gotten. He was just trying to take care of Chan, he was just trying his best.

       Later, he lets himself cry into Chan’s chest.

       “Jisung, you’ve been suffering.”

       It’s hilarious because Jisung is supposed to be taking care of Chan. He’s supposed to be comforting him. He’s supposed to be the strong one. But every time he tries to calm his breathing, every time he tries to get a grip he sees Chan’s eyes. They’re starry and worried, and Jisung slips all over again.

       “It’s okay, you know? You don’t have to be strong all the time for me. You’re good enough, more than good enough.”

       Jisung doesn’t have it in him to protest. He hiccups on his words instead while Chan calms him down. And afterwards, there’s a bottle of water being pressed to his lips that he accepts graciously.

       “You don’t have to pretend anymore.”

       Jisung cries himself to sleep.

-

       Changbin knows he needs to do something.

       Chan still has bad days. He still locks himself up in the bedroom and sometimes in the bathroom. Changbin has had to break down the door to see Chan’s body passed out in the bathtub. Jisung comes home and shrieks, screams when he sees Chan’s unconscious body on the couch.

       It only out of selfishness that Changbin hasn’t contacted a doctor with actual credentials to help with this kind of stuff. But he can already imagine Chan, being as stubborn as he is, refusing. With Changbin’s interference, things might turn for the worst.

       He feels helpless and stunted, watching Jisung gently open Chan up. He wants to help, he wants to tell Chan that he’s worth it and how much he makes him smile and how he makes life worth living.

       But Changbin isn’t that kind of person. The words come out rudimentary and stupid. He might be able to rap out his feelings on a soundcloud track, but he lost all of that when it came to his real feelings.

       So he let’s Jisung talk and hug and kiss. Instead, he cooks an extra egg for them both in the morning. He’ll do the laundry and take out the trash. He’ll do the dishes when Jisung and Chan are in the bedroom. He does little things and he doesn’t mind, because that’s all he’s ever been able to do.

       There’s an extra egg left on the table by the time Changbin washes the dishes. He sighs a little and digs in, expecting it to be left over. But the egg is warm, gooey in the middle. It catches him off by surprise, because he made breakfast twenty minutes ago and any food left over should have already gone cold.

       “Changbin.”

       Chan is behind him, smiling. Changbin looks around for any sign of Jisung, because if Chan had anything to talk about Jisung would probably be of way more help than him. He’s about to say just that, but Chan shushes him.

       “Thank you for taking care of us,” Chan does that lopsided grin, and suddenly everything makes sense.

       “I’m sorry I’ve been talking to Jisung more. I’m sorry that I never talk to you about my problems or your problems because I know you have problems too. I know you cry sometimes but you never talk about it because you don’t think it’s important.”

       “But hyung-”

       “Don’t tell me that it’s not important. It is. I’m suffering, but I’m trying to fix it. I can fix it. I know Jisung is suffering. I know he’s just trying his best for me, and I appreciate it so much. I know you’re the one who picks up after us and makes us dinner and reminds us when we have class. Thank you so much Changbin.”

       Changbin supposes he should start crying. But he doesn’t. Instead he smiles and nods. Chan waits for him to finish his breakfast; neither of them have class until the afternoon, so they’re just waiting for Jisung to get back from his morning class. Chan is usually in his studio when Jisung isn’t at home, and Changbin leaves him alone. But Chan is still there behind him when he finishes. It’s odd.

       “Chan.”

       “Yes?”

       “Have you found something to live for?”

       It’s a general question. Changbin doesn’t mean for it to imply that Chan is no longer depressed, but it comes out that way and Changbin facepalms because he really should just stay quiet.

       “No, not yet,” Chan drops his gaze to his hands.

       “Oh, okay.”

       “But,” Changbin watches as Chan twists his fingers together. They come together in a knot and then untangle themselves back, “I’ve been thinking. If I die now without any reason to live, if I die before I find out what makes life worth living, I would be really sad you know? I’m just afraid of having an unhappy life, but if I kill myself I won’t be able to see if I’ll have a happy life. I still hope things will get better.”

       Chan’s voice is quiet, unrelenting, poised. He snorts a little at himself before meeting Changbin’s eyes.

       “Sometimes life isn’t worth living for, and sometimes it is.”

       Changbin turns to his empty plate.

       “I guess so.”

-

       Chan thinks about Australia.

       He thinks about the hot weather and about school. He thinks about music and recording sessions. He thinks about Jisung a lot. He worries about Jisung a lot.

       He thinks about Changbin, about his rapping, about how he protests many things, how flustered he acts around Felix. Chan worries about how calm Changbin is and how one day he’s going to crack.

       Chan thinks about death. He thinks about what he would gain from dying. He thinks about the infinite expansion of the universe and he takes in how small he is. He feels the inevitable death that creeps and sits on his chest. How insignificant everything he does is, how little he matters to the grand scheme of things. He feels meaningless as matter.

       He never feels the need to kill himself. Just to hurt himself.

       Just to keep him humble, to chastise himself for disappointing. He drags a razor across his wrist to punish himself for making Jisung cry about kissing him. He almost drowns himself because he never once trusted Changbin with anything he told Jisung. He never thinks about how much Jisung and Changbin did for him. He didn’t deserve them.

       Chan twists the bottle of prescription pills in his hand. The orange container reflects the light seeping in from the window. Perhaps Jisung and Changbin just felt sorry. Maybe they didn’t care about Chan’s feelings, maybe they only did the things they did to shut him up. Because they felt sorry for him?

       He shakes his head. It was unfair to categorize them like that.

       “Chan!”

       It’s Jisung. Chan jolts and the bottle of pills slips, falling to the floor with a thwack.

       “Chan! Changbin made your favorite, come eat before it gets cold!”

       Footsteps pad away. Chan picks up the orange bottle from the floor and places it in his drawer. He tucks the papers over it, just like he did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.

       One more day. He can live for one more day.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that no matter who you are or what situation you're in that you'll continue to be strong and find a little happiness. Thank you for reading.


End file.
